The Diver

Any person who seeks to promote the sport of diving and does his best to improve its image by spending weekends at the coast or Stoney Cove, drinking too much in the bar, spending too much on equipment and losing his temper when his attention is drawn to this state of affairs, shall be deemed to be a Diver.

The Other

Any member of a family who thinks the diver would improve the image of diving by staying home to help in the garden, stop the roof falling off, talk to his nearest and dearest occasionally and be there when needed shall be deemed to be The Other. The children shall be on the side of the Other.

The Tricky Dive

If the Diver shall say that he is slipping into the office to do several hours extra work on a Saturday when it is obvious to a garden gnome with a low IQ that no-one takes a dry-suit to the office, nor indeed a cylinder, the Diver shall be said to be about to undertake a Tricky Dive.

Improved Conditions

A Diver may improve the diving conditions if they get a signed or personal testimony from a colleague that they really are going to the office to do extra work. The Diver and buddy may then go off and dive.

Penalty

A Diver may be invited by the Other to forgo a dive in order to do something about the washing up, the ruinous state of the garden, the large pool which forms under the washing machine every morning etc. If the Diver refuses this invitation and still dives they may be subject to a Penalty to be determined by the Other.

If the Diver jumps into the car in the middle of one of the aforementioned tasks and the Other attempts to keep them behind, and the Diver revs rudely away and crossly, the Diver shall be subject to an increased Penalty.

Diving Hazards

A Diving Hazard is any natural obstacle to a dive such as re-papering the dining room, the arrival of friends or the vicar, the cat being run over, the sudden death of the Diver's buddy, redundancy or the collapse of the British economy. At the first sign of a hazard the Diver is entitled to go and find a safe place to dive provided they promise to be home for lunch.

Dive Trip

Any activity involving the loading of a dry-suit and cylinders into a car, meeting with a dive buddy and partaking of refreshment at a hostelry shall be deemed to be a Dive Trip. Note that actually donning said dive equipment is not a requirement of a Dive Trip.

The End of a Dive Trip

A Dive Trip shall be deemed to be over if:

• Everyone in the party has paid for a round of drinks.
• Someone has said, "Time for another quick one, John?"
• John has replied, "It will not hurt me if I do".
• Someone has said, "My God, can that be the time?"
• John has said, "I'm sure she will not start lunch without me".
• The landlord has said to John, "It is your wife on the 'phone, sir".